Cup song

Oh you're a lover girl ? name one person that has loved you back . *vine boom*

In the year 2013 as the cup song took over the internet and created a challenge that reached my troubled little corner of the world almost 5 whole years later in year .As my peers reminisced about the challenge, I reveled in my discovery. That very day after a long day of lessons, badly feigning normalcy and truth or dare games , I got home and onto my mothers phone to learn the “cup thing” listening to the song on loop for the 8th time utterly defeated by my lack of coordination “this song is stupid” I sighed ,rolled my pre-teen eyes and gave up .Why can’t I just do it ?

I wish I could say that I then forgot about the song along with the challenge. Unfortunately this was in the formative years … of my mental anguish and I found myself listening to the cup song over and over again wondering how could anyone miss your hair ? or your walk ? or your talk ?silly Ms. Anna (even in my contempt I was extremely respectful) and somehow that song became part of the sound track for my nightly crying¹ I couldn’t fathom anyone could love someone that much. Could someone love me like that ?

What I did know is that I could love someone that much . As I lay in my bed sniffling after a good cry with a heavy heart I would fall asleep thinking of the person I missed by their hair , the air and everywhere to the tune of the obnoxious chorus. I even missed things that weren’t gone but I had lost . Like my self worth and happiness (which I was too young to recognize) but I cried all the same because I didn’t feel the same , I cried because the old me was gone and I had woken up in this overly chubby body and over worked mind. What is wrong with me ?

Six or so years later I find myself in the same predicament ,missing a person so much I might just implode perhaps my condition has worsened because somehow I love more.

“I miss you so much that sometimes when I think about you my heart squeezes extra hard and I fear it’s going to stop on the next pump ” - I said to my friend

In many ways I am the same girl holding back tears every time I think of the old me : I was too young to be that sad the world had no right to take my light . But , I’ve changed , more anything right now I regret the love I give .Loving in the way that makes you miss a person with every fiber of your own being , longing to keep every possible thread of their existence to yourself . It feels like the whole world is telling me the way I love is wrong and I need to let go of people “just because they like other people it doesn’t mean they don’t like you anymore ” I am forced to tell myself even as the 10 year old me shakes betrayal and the anxious that I might be replaced . What if they like them more than me ?Am I bad person because of the way I love ?

Forgive me if I am selfish and it hurts you. Pardon me if I’m jealous and it offends . I beg you to bear with me , lest I am further condemned to a sorrow so deep it perverts every good thing I can feel with violence and disdain .The heights of my pathos are confined to fighting the green eyed monster that mocks my heart as it feeds on it and swimming through the crushing suffocating weight of the grief that consumes me . I want to love better or at the very least love less . How is one supposed to love ?

1. this sound track was entirely from memory and solely comprised of the songs that would pop into my head and soothe my pulsating brain.

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Thx for reading , I’ve been writing this for a while and I’m really nervous about its reception. Thoughts ?